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Call from the Bullpen by David Maull

The Bullpen | Major Leagues | Sports Front Page

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You Know You're a Redneck ...
From the Jan. 14, 1999 TV Times

Random thoughts from my sometimes twisted mind:

When the term "redneck" is thrown out, the image that usually comes to mind is of pick-up trucks, shotguns and flannel shirts.

But there are other ways to tell if a person is pink around the collar. So, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here are my personal signs that someone might be a red neck:

• If you root for the Washington Redskins, put Washington Redskins bumper stickers on your pick-up truck, swear the Washington Redskins are the greatest team in the NFL despite the fact they haven't made the playoffs in six years and sing loud, obnoxious renditions of "Hail to the Redskins," you might be a redneck.
• If you wear camouflage while performing everyday activities such as grocery shopping and mowing the lawn, you might be a redneck.
• If you watch professional wrestling every Monday night and swear on a stack of bibles that it's real, you might be a redneck.
• If you go hunting with your buddies and decide drinking three cases of beer would enhance your enjoyment of using a dangerous firearm, you might be a redneck.
• If you're the type of NASCAR fan who hates Jeff Gordon for no other reason than he is young, good-looking and has an ex-model for a wife, you might be a redneck.

Send complaints to Call to the Bullpen, P.O. Box 1599, Bethany Beach, Del. 19930

Since we're probably never going to have a logical playoff system in college football, we might as well expand the number of sparsely attended bowl games played each year.

These games should be a big hit:

• The Liquid Plumr® Toilet Bowl. This would pit the two worst Division I football teams in the nation against each other in a battle for ultimate futility.
• The Old El Paso® Refried Bean Bowl. A logical alternative to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.
• The Microsoft® Y2K Bowl. There would be no football game, but this New Year's Eve 1999 event would give fans the pleasure of being in a large stadium if the world suddenly came to an end at the stroke of midnight.
• The Kibbles 'n Bits® Laney Bowl. OK, this one is a bit self-serving -- Laney is my dog. This game would be played at Indian River High School with a huge likeness of Laney emblazoned at midfield.

A few suggested rule changes for college football:

• A kicker or punter who takes a dive in an attempt to draw a roughing the kicker call would be assessed a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.
• The clock would not stop as often and the average game wouldn't take nearly four hours to play.
• Every television announcer must have same the genuine enthusiasm for the game as ABC's Keith Jackson, who will be sorely missed next season. Let's all say it together one last time: "Woah Nellie!"

If ever the Philadelphia Eagles had a no-brainer on draft day, this is the year.

Holding the No. 2 overall pick and needing help at quarterback, running back and receiver, the team can easily address at least one problem area.

Here's how it works. If the Cleveland Browns, who hold the No. 1 pick, select quarterback Tim Couch, the Eagles take running back Ricky Williams. If the Browns take Williams, the Eagles take Couch.

Wasn't that simple? No trading down for players and draft picks. No hard-core investigative work. Whichever player is available after the Browns pick, take him. End of story.

So why am I worried?

And finally, a few suggestions on how to improve the annual Slam Dunk to the Beach basketball tournament at Cape Henlopen High School.

• Occasionally move games involving local teams to later in the day. This would keep fans from having to get up at the crack of dawn and also allow them to see more of the marquee games without having to stay in the gym for 12 hours.
• Be truthful in advertising. Jonathan Bender of Picayune, Mississippi was 6-foot-11, not 7-foot-3, and was a forward, not a point guard.
• If the hospitality room is closed, make it off limits to everyone. This includes the tournament officials who lounge in the comfortable chairs and drink free soda during the supposed "closed" times and take great pleasure in rudely kicking anyone out who tries to enter.