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Call from the Bullpen by David Maull

The Bullpen | Sports Front Page

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Fixing All That's Wrong With Sports
From the August 6, 1998 TV Times

If I ruled the world:

· The day-night doubleheader would be outlawed and every team in baseball would play at least 10 "real" doubleheaders each season.

· Every player that charges the mound after being hit by a pitch would be publicly tarred and feathered.

· It would be a felony for an athlete to charge money for his autograph.

· The Yankees would lose at least once a month.

· Every weekend World Series game would be played in the afternoon, allowing those under the age of 12 to watch.

· Major league umpires would attend off-season clinics to improve their game-calling skills and shrink the size of their egos.

· AL umpire Ken Kaiser would get a refresher course on these instructions in the Official Baseball Rules: The first requisite is to get the decision correct. If in doubt, don't hesitate to consult your associate. Umpire dignity is important but never as important as "being right."

· A person holding front-row seats behind home plate who doesn't show up until the third inning would be forced to swap seats with someone sitting in the upper deck.

· The rotating advertisements in major league ballparks and the giant Coke bottle attached to a left field light tower in Fenway Park would be smashed to pieces.

· There would be no more expansion in major league baseball.

· The designated hitter would be abolished once and for all.

· Cellular phones would be prohibited at all sporting events.

· People like Marge Schott, Al Davis, Jerry Jones and Don King would just go away.

· The millionaire, superstar athlete convicted of drug possession and sexual assault would get the same punishment as the homeless person convicted of the same crimes.

· All sports teams would be tied to their cities for life, thereby preventing owners from holding taxpayers hostage by demanding increased taxes for new stadiums and arenas.

· "Hail to the Redskins" would be banned forever.

· A national playoff system would determine a true college football national champion.

· The United States would never host another Olympic Games.

· Professional athletes would be kept out of the Olympic Games in all sports.

· The National Hockey League season would end before May 15.

· The song "We Will Rock You" would never again be played at professional, college and amateur sporting events.

· Any attempt by the Golden State Warriors to trade Latrell Sprewell would be blocked, thereby forcing him to either retire or play another year for P.J. Carlessimo.

· NFL officials would not be allowed to hold other jobs during the season, be required to study game film every day and be quizzed regularly on the rules of the game.

· Pete Rose would be reinstated and inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.