| Author | Message | ||
| Rm2
Senior Member Username: Rm2 Post Number: 699 Registered: 6-2001 |
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| Rm2
Senior Member Username: Rm2 Post Number: 700 Registered: 6-2001 |
Stupid computer humor: GLOSSARY OF SOFTWARE PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY NEW........................Different packaging from previous version. ALL NEW....................Software is not compatible with previous version. EXCLUSIVE..................User interface is completely different from anyone else. UNMATCHED..................Almost as good as the competition. DESIGN SIMPLICITY..........Developed on a shoe-string budget. STANDS ALONE...............Does not tolerate existence of other programs on the same computer. FOOLPROOF OPERATION........All parameters are hard-coded. ADVANCED DESIGN............Upper management doesn't understand it. MODULAR DESIGN.............You will need to buy all of the modules before the product is useful. AUDITING FEATURES INCLUDED.Finds your modem and calls us if it thinks that you are trying to pirate our program. IT'S HERE AT LAST..........Released a 26 week project in 48 weeks. FIELD TESTED...............Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. HIGH ACCURACY..............All the directories compare. BUG FREE...................According to marketing. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT.......Finally got one to work. HYPERTEXT HELP-SYSTEM......Increases your stress level. CONTEXT-SENSITIVE HELP.....Freezes up when offended. UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE..Nothing ever ran this slow before. REVOLUTIONARY..............Disk drives go round and round. BREAKTHROUGH...............It finally booted on the first try. FUTURISTIC.................Requires 256megs of RAM and a 16gig drive to install. NO MAINTENANCE.............Impossible to fix. IMAGINATIVE................Design team got into some bad mushrooms. INTUITIVE..................No documentation. FREE SUPPORT...............No support. FREE UPGRADES..............No upgrades. AUTOMATIC UPGRADES.........Upgrade will show up 16 weeks after we send you an automated billing. INTEGRATED DATA SECURITY...We now include sophisticated copy-protection at minimal extra-cost. SIMPLE INSTALLATION........We removed all user install options. AUTOMATED INSTALLATION.....After installation, computer auto-matically boots to our program, period. MOUSE COMPATIBLE...........No longer crashes when a mouse is connected. WINDOWS COMPATIBLE.........Doesn't always crash windows. WINDOWS-95 COMPATIBLE......Yes, we've heard of it. HI-RES GRAPHICS SUPPORT....The opening screen now has a 256-color splash screen version of our corporate logo. MULTIMEDIA.................We replaced all error messages with barnyard sound clips. EFFICIENT USER-INTERFACE...All commands are through SHIFT-CTRL-ALT key sequences. PERFORMANCE PROVEN.........Worked through Beta test. MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS....It compiles without errors. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED....We'll send you another disk if it fails for almost-any reason. STOCK ITEM.................We shipped it once before and can do it again. IMMEDIATELY AVAILABLE......We need your money immediately.  | ||
| Rm2
Senior Member Username: Rm2 Post Number: 701 Registered: 6-2001 |
Understanding women... A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the hiway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" OK, it's wednesday I'm good until Saturday | ||
| Ifish2
Senior Member Username: Ifish2 Post Number: 527 Registered: 4-2005 |
So, this boss was interviewing a new employee. At the end of the interview the boss says, "OK, I'll give you eight bucks an hour to start and in three months, I'll raise it up to twelve bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" The employee replies, "In three months!" John DMS# 2255 AKA "Ringo" | ||
| Masterbaiter
Senior Member Username: Masterbaiter Post Number: 324 Registered: 11-2003 |
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! .. The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." | ||
| Tacklemom
Senior Member Username: Tacklemom Post Number: 633 Registered: 7-2005 |
ROFLMAO !!!! | ||
| Rm2
Senior Member Username: Rm2 Post Number: 722 Registered: 6-2001 |
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| Daveh
New member Username: Daveh Post Number: 39 Registered: 12-2003 |
I hate when that happens,LOL daveh | ||
| Chaunte
New member Username: Chaunte Post Number: 2 Registered: 11-2006 |
LOLOL | ||
| Chickenman
Junior Member Username: Chickenman Post Number: 66 Registered: 7-2004 |
I hear tell that O.J. Simpson is writing yet another book; Only he's entitling this one a little differently. This one will be called "Cut and Run" |